Punched in the gut
Random title I know, but are you familiar with that feeling. Do you know what it's like to get the wind knocked out of you emotionally..to the point if where it's physical? You loose your breath, and it's like time isn't standing still, but you are, and you can't move. Something I've desired for a long time dropped into my hands last night, and was taken back. It was there long enough for me to get excited, and to anticipate the possibility of what could come. A chance. For a brief moment, I had, a chance. I can't explain how I felt, but the eternal pessimist in me doubted it, and for good reason, because it was taken back. Of course, I allowed it. I had to. This isn't one of those things that just affects you, and well, I want it so badly, that I'm willing to hand it back until I don't feel alone in it. It's like getting a lottery ticket after the drawing and checking your numbers, and finding out you won. You start to plan, get excited, and can't sit still emotionally. But then you ask someone to check it, to make sure you're not going crazy — only to find out, those were yesterday's numbers. It would've been better had you not check them at all. It's worse getting high hopes and having to be let down, then not getting excited about anything period. The thing is, I feel alone in this and don't understand why. I don't understand how this isn't embraced by those that should be embracing it. I don't understand why not now? How many times will I have to see fullfillment around me only to have it so far in my distant future that it doesn't even register on the map? I guess I need a hug, or an apology, or both, from someone. Someone that understands, or someone that doesn't understand, but is empathetic. Someone that spoke to soon, and gave me false hope owes me an explanation, or at least a simple "I'm sorry."