4.29.2011

Then There Was Two (In One)

There's something wrong with me.

I feel like two different people sometimes.

I feel like my two selves are two, separate, alter egos. I don't have one self, with a smaller self that comes out occasionally - I feel like two different people.

My two very different blogs can probably attest to that.

In one blog, I see my life for what it truly is, happy. I live in the silver lining, and it's where I never stop counting my never ending blessings. It's where I'm okay with having two children instead of three and where I am in a positive place.

Here, well, I come here to be honest on a different level. My other self comes out. This is where I express those dark things most won't say out loud because they'll sound selfish or whiny. This is where I can say that I love my girls and would most certainly die without them but I am emotionally ravaged because today was supposed to be my due date.

People that tell me to move past it, or focus on what I have been given don't understand (therefore should shut up), because it still hurts. It's a very real pain that has not gone away.

My girls sometimes intensify this emotion only because I'm in love with them so much I long to touch the child I never knew.

My heart breaks when I think of how he felt when his soul was called into heaven before meeting me. I wonder what I was doing the moment his heart stopped beating. Was I yelling at a student? Was I naively scribbling down baby names? was I dreaming of him?

It's very difficult for me today.

I desperately want to stay in the silver, and live in the positive, spiritually upbeat way of life - but I think God made us more complex than that. Well, he certainly made me that way.

I cried and yelled over something silly today, I've been doing that a lot lately. I can honestly say now, without feeling ashamed or bad, that yes, I do need a break.

This all makes me feel all kinds of guilty.

Not only do I long for a child I never knew when I have two angels in the next room, but on top of that I need just an evening of me.

I know I'm not being selfish, and I do deserve this but remember, I'm complex.

I'm not bipolar, I don't have dual personality disorder, and I certainly do not feel depressed. In fact, I'm happy with my life, today was just a bad day.

I'm glad I have my refuge here when I'm just not feeling like rainbows, cupcakes and puppy dog tails.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2.02.2011

Why I Love Frida


These snow/ice days have me swooning, really. I have time to work on things in the house, watch some Dexter, and paint. Money is still an adjustment so splurging on nursery things just isn't something I feel comfortable doing so instead I pulled my creative juices together and began to get to work. You can see the full extent of it all here.

One of the projects was to make some personalized baby Fridas. I love Frida Kahlo and could spend many a blog hour writing about her and how she inspires me. 

What I love about Frida...

I love her style.

Her colors, the accessories, her tradition. She was elegant, a trendsetter, and she did it with age old fashion.




I love her art.

I love how raw it is. I love the emotion behind it. I love the stories it spoke. I love that she never held back.



I love her love.

I love how she wore her heart on her sleeve. There were no limits to her love. She was passionate. She was rebellious. She lived in the moment. She was the lover of many and held no regrets. 




________________________________________________




I want my daughters to be influenced by powerful women as well. I want them to read and learn about these women and find a desire within themselves to be leaders too. I hope one day they see me as one of those leaders and aspires to be like me. I want to be that mom, the one that does it all (and looks good doing it haha..)



little by little...

...they'll come to learn the things I've learned...


...about life, love, and passion...



...maybe they'll be little artistas as well...


I'll just be happy as long as they love...

Ah. These snow days have me spoiled. Sleep, art, and insight. Bring on the snow.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

1.23.2011

I've been consumed.

I really didn't want this to be about mommy-hood.

Really.

I've maintained the mommy blog but the problem with most mommy blogs, they're not used to express much of anything about the mommy person writing it. Which is okay. Almost. One could say it's just symbolic of how it's all about the kids for them, but as a member of the blogger world for some years now I see it as an invitation to lose oneself.

I don't want to lose myself.

I think I'm going into this phase of my life wiser then most.. Not trying to sound all self righteous but I've seen a lot of people lose them themselves into parent hood and feel like I'm going in better prepared. I don't want that. I want to be me, and a mommy.

There are a lot of things running in my head right now, I'm consumed with thought. Perhaps it's because it's past 3 a.m., I'm on the couch while the swing rocks a not so well Lola, left with just me, my thoughts, and some YouTube videos to keep me company. Here's what I'm feeling...

1) I'm proud I've been able to keep it together. This transition has been challenging but I think I'm faring well, in fact I know I'm kicking butt at it and that's an awesome feeling.

2) I need to get out, if just for a night. I need to let my hair down, listen to some music, and sway to the rhythm to a good bass line.

3) I need to finish these thank you notes.

4) I miss some important people in my life. It seems lately many are making a reappearance in my life, but perhaps not at the capacity I would prefer.

5 I'm not sure why I want these people in my life. There's a reason they disappeared.

6) I"m overwhelmed with thanksgiving. Sometimes I just cry at the thought of feeling this happy.

7) I get scared to death the birthfather will come around before this adoption is final. My thoughts literally haunt me when I think this isn't final yet.

8) I need/want a familiar hug.

9) How did I get so lucky with him? Women around me have men leaving them and mistreating them left and right and he stays around. Will he ever get fed up with me? Will I? You think it could never happen but I'm seeing it way too much. I hate to be naive, but I really think we're in for the long haul.

10) That also scares me.

Maybe not what you wanted to hear for my first blog in awhile but I'm sure there will be more. Things are too calm right now, I feel a bit of something else coming on.

Stay tuned.

12.31.2010

Twins, not for the weak.

No, I'm not having an "oh CRAP!" moment, not at all. In fact, after waiting so long for mommy hood I made a pact with myself that my complaints would be few and far apart. I actually don't have complaints even about the lack of sleep or personal time to, say for instance, BLOG, but it has taken it's toll on me for different reasons. I totally became a hypocrite and started a "mommy blog," you can read it here, but will continue to write here as I feel necessary. My "mommy blog" will serve the purpose of allowing friends and family that actually have an investment or concern in my girls personally or have kids of their own an find an excessive amount of photos of another kid doing the same thing in four different bootleg photoshop vinettes interesting because if they tell you it's great you'll run to their mommy blog and return the favor, and of course those without children that for some reason enjoy following other peoples kids' progress via Blogger or Wordpress (do they exist?) This shall remain my private portal about all things I find interesting or worth complaining about, when the baby Gods allow time for me to do so...

Here's a list...

1) Twins are expensive. I never wanted to spoil my kids and now it seems like I don't have a choice. Between the insurance, food, diapers, lawyer fees, and nanny money is tight.

Hold up.

Wait a minute.

Yes, I said nanny. Not a live in nanny, just a glorified sitter who will watch my girls at my home while I work so I don't have to put together a diaper bag or load them in and out of my car four times a day.

It just dawned on me. I'm Mexican-American with a white nanny! What's this world coming to...

2) I often find myself irritated when I'm constantly asked or urged to stay at home. It's not that I don't see value in staying home with my girls 24 hours, really I do and I see why others do it but it's not for me and here's why...

I LOVED seeing my mother do it all. She worked full time, was and is a great wife and mother, went to all of our school things, kept the house clean, kept us fed with homemade meals daily and looked like a rockstar balancing it all. I want that image for my daughters. There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom and I know it's hard work, harder than many jobs (believe me I know, I'm practically a babysitter for 200 middle schoolers) but I want my daughters to see the same way I can do it all, so can they. Plus, there aren't just a ton of people in m family with a college degree, I'm one of the first on both sides and I want to utilize that degree. My job will help me help students who don't have a role model at home like my girls will, it will help me provide for my daughters financially, and it will give me time for me even if it's in a classroom.

I'm annoyed with the topic constantly being brought up and although it can be tempting at times, right now I'm a working gal and I like it. Plus, financially it would be detrimental unless we had a third child but if we had a third child we would probably end up on Chips and stamps and honestly, I know those things are out there for those that need it but well I'm able bodied enough to work so I won't need it thankyouverymuch.

3) My parents were almost killed this week, no exaggeration. Shortly after I left their home with my girls in tow, their kitchen exploded from a sudden gas leak that threw them both back several feet. Dad has severe burns on his arms, hands, and face that are now blistered, red/black/pink/brown spots all over and still in pain. Mom on the other hand only lost a few inches of burnt hair but is suffering the most emotionally and mentally. The majority of the damage was done in the kitchen and parts of the living room so they're living in an extended stay hotel until they decide if they want to even return.

I hope they don't.

I'm sure they will.

4) I'm over Zumba. No I haven't tried it and don't have any intention to (which in saying that means I WILL do it because I tend to get all hypocrite on an issue and do the opposite of what I've said I would, you know, like a mommy blog and watching Avatar)

Seriously though, if I have to see one more commercial or Facebook status about Zumba I'm going to pull my toenails out with pliers go crazy. It's talked about like it's a religion and really it just looks like a bunch of dancing.

5) My mind is currently revolving around all things mommy so I'm going to make that #5. I fear if I write more it'll be all mommy crap and I have to expand outside of that on this blog or I'll totally lose myself in the process. It's going to be a delicate process, not just in blogging aspects which is the last of my concerns, but just holding on to who I am, mommy or not. I know a lot of women struggle with that and I struggled with it as a married woman alone, but now I mom of twins?

I know my time will be limited for "me" time, but I have to stick to it. I won't go to concerts all the time like before, but I'll hit a show here and there. I'll wear more comfortable shoes when carrying around two little kiddos, but my heals won't sit the bench either. Lastly I'll cut back from extra responsibilities but I will remain true to those that help me be the person I know will help me as a mother like being a friend, an artist, and, a blogger :)

12.11.2010

I'm a Mommy!

So we are a week into being the proud parents of beautiful twin girls.

Oh. My. Word.




We are in the car on our way to our hometown now to go to their first event, a baby shower! This is the only time I could blog, sitting between two car seats as daddy is searching for Christmas music that isn't depressing and about love lost on Pandora.

Here are my thoughts so far in no particular order:

1) The initial fear has faded some. We've had a great support system living with us at home so I am a bit worried if I can handle this once they're gone. I feel inept at times because this is so new and my husband is much more natural about it. I know it'll take one moment of being alone with both of them crying and I'll feel more confident, well, once they stop screaming.

2) I can't wait to go to the mall, I see it now...
"Are these your girls? Twins? They're beautiful! So tiny!"

"Yes, they're mine! Thank you!"

"You look great for having twins!"

"Thanks! You know I don't have one single stretch mark and my breasts look fabulous still!"

3) On a more serious note, my biggest hurdle is really within. I don't want to be a control freak mama. I'm naturally a control freak so the idea of my girls even being in a room of 60+ people (hello Mexican baby shower) makes me shudder (because of germs, not because they're Mexicans). Send relaxed, stress free thoughts my way!

4) I already get sad knowing they'll grow so fast and they're barely 6 pounds now!

5) The actual exchange with the birth mother actually was beautiful. There wasn't reluctance on her part, some tears, but she stayed strong. I wish I could say the same, I walked into the sanctuary in tears, overwhelming joy and gratitude. I embraced the birthmother before I ever looked at my daughters. She handed one to me, and our mediator and pastor handed the other to my husband. We talked briefly, prayed and even took photos for the girls when they get older. After the birth mom left, we changed the girls, and our families came over to meet them. We took lots of photos that I'll share on...

6) a mommy blog. Yes. I know I've criticized the mommy blog before. This is my moment of irony and I don't care. I'm keeping this blog fairly baby free and will create an additional blog just about my adventures raising twins. I'll advertise that blog here but probably won't advertise this blog there because I'm a freak like that who doesn't particularly care for people I know reading this.

That's it for now. I see a nap in my future.

*I'm also not editing this because...I'm sleepy.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

12.02.2010

Mommyhood Coming To A Blogger Near You?

Could it be?

It seems so.

Tomorrow a young mother is scheduled to sign her rights away at my lawyers office. Saturday at 10 a.m. we are scheduled to pick up twin 1 month old girls who we will name Mila and Lola. The adoption process then takes place but they will be in our custody right away.

I am over the moon. I am scared. I'm excited. I feel way too unworthy.

I've lost so much sleep, but last night I slept and dreamed of my girls. When I woke up, it's like I almost felt their presence in our home. For a second I thought maybe I had already had them. Today I cried at the mere thought of them.

God remembered me, He never forgot, and He was waiting until this good and perfect time to give us our children.

I didn't want to blog until I had them, but I've had an overwhelming sense of emotion and such a small window of time to process this that I HAD to write to let some things out and use this blog for what I originally intended.

I am so ready yet so unprepared for this next step in our lives.

Wish us luck!

11.28.2010

Annoying People on Facebook

This one has been a long time coming. Please indulge while I share my issues with some of the people I call "friend" on Facebook. It would be much easier to just delete them but this day in age removing someone from your friends list is just as bad punching them in the junk, plus, it's not as fun if I can't make fun of them on my crappy little blog I don't share with anyone other then a bunch of strangers, right?

Here we go, feel free to add anyone I may have missed...

The "I'm So Lost in Life" FaceBooker
This person is a hot mess and doesn't care who knows. They're depression is so annoying at times you feel bad for almost wanting to say yeah, jump.

The "I love him, oh wait, I HATE him" FaceBooker
This person shares entirely way too much about their personal life especially when it comes to the areas of the heart. The make up and break up more than you change your under ware.

The "You Wanna Piece of Me?" Facebooker
This person likes to fight and although claims will "slapaho" in person but actually never does. They are always looking for reasons to feel "wronged" via status update, wall post, and comment. They like the word "haters."

The "Im So Cool and Indie and You're Not" FaceBooker
These hipsters posts links of indie group videos and Urban Outfitter fashions when they're not quoting someone who died 70 years ago. They would like you to think they have depth. Oh, and they also all have a passion for photography, the 40's-60's, vintage clothes, Phish, and artsy fartsy self portraits where they are facing the camera but looking elsewhere. They spend $60 on a white v-neck from American Apparel but will have you convinced it's vintage.

The "Da, Dat, Wat, Whut" FaceBooker
This person knows the English language but decides to massacre it daily with their ridiculous pronunciations and misspelling.

The "My Life is SO Perfect and My Kids Are The MOST Adorable Things EVER! You Agree Right?? Right??" FaceBooker
This person updates in extreme detail of their family adventures. They post pictures from every trip to the petting zoo and make sure everyone around them knows life is just peachy. Their husband is the best daddy ever and their kids just love each other so much but we all know if that was true they wouldn't try so hard to prove it to everyone else.

The "I'm Going to Post 10 Music Videos in One Hour" FaceBooker
This person is the reason you filter your News Feed. They either post electronic dance music that ALL sounds the same or they go from Texas Country to 90's West Coast rap in less than 6 minutes.

The "Gamer" Facebooker
This person sends Farmville requests daily and shamelessly ask people if anyone can water their farm or whatever via Status Update. These are people you cannot hang out with in real life.

The "Can You Read Through My Subliminal Messages?" FaceBooker
This person wants you to ask what they're talking about. They want you to be interested yet they don't want to show all of their cards thinking this makes them dark and mysterious.

The "Here Are 12 More Pouty Lip/Fish Face Photos of Me From Above Looking Down" FaceBooker
These are usually girls who love 6 pictures in a row of themselves in the same pose. They try to get all artsy on you through putting it through some crap Paint program so you can see the same freakin' picture in shades of blue, green and pink.

The "Quoter" FaceBooker
This person has nothing intelligent to offer so they just use someone else's words. In all actuality if they didn't master the art of "Copy/Paste" they would probably misspell a few of the words they're quoting.


The "Dear" Person
This person likes to write to inanimate objects via Status Update. "Dear Microwave, today was a very bad day to break.."

Who did I miss...?