9.20.2010

Blogging + Pain Pills = Bad Choice

So I blogged from the toilet...that's a first.

Definitely not planned, and in my defense I was on many, MANY milligrams of hydrocodone but was still very aware of the fact I was blogging. Of course I wasn't entirely sure what was blogged until today when I felt ready to read it. I guess no one could ever say my blog isn't raw.

A lot has happened since then and I can honestly say I'm in a good place. My miscarriage didn't occur until the next evening and it was painful in so many ways. I won't get into detail but I've never felt so helpless. Ironically, it was sort of a relief. After having everything in me, even after the fact I knew my baby was gone only made things harder, so to know the process to rid my body of those things was underway I felt I was closer to my mental and physical recovery. Many people asked why I chose to induce and m/c naturally versus a D&C procedure and to me, there wasn't a choice. My emotional and mental pain was so severe that a 30 minute procedure that would eliminate any traces of a pregnancy seemed too, simple, almost cold. I felt like I needed to experience the process. I wanted to feel my physical pain vindicate the tears and overwhelming since of grief I had been feeling. I didn't want to be intubated and unconscious so I chose the long road.

I can't begin to tell you what this process has done for me.

Being a Christian I can honestly say God can turn every dark and awful situation into something good. Although I'm still heartbroken and miss talking to my baby, praying for him and or just feeling pregnant - I know now, I can get pregnant! There was a lot of doubt before but now I know I am in fact, not broken. Knowing this has also kept my happiness for my pregnant friends in tact. I was concerned I would be bitter, resentful or just too emotional to talk babies but I almost feel a bit more excited for them then I was in the first place. It feels so weird to say because it almost doesn't feel natural! It has also taken my marriage to another level. Never did I ever imagine that we could become so much closer. I almost feel like we were strangers before this.

I don't know what the road ahead offers but I feel honored and blessed to even have had the opportunity to carry that precious baby for as long as I did. I now have an angel baby waiting for me in heaven.

3 comments:

The Powells said...

This is a bitter-sweet post. Thanks for sharing.

yessi said...

I read your last blog on the day you wrote it but didn't comment because... well, because I didn't know what to say.

This new post is really encouraging; I've never been through what you have, but I was still able to apply your words to my life (as I'm sure others did when they read it, too), and I can tell you that your strength, faith, and hope are really inspirational.

Thanks and God bless.

andrea said...

It's truly an inspiration the way you are looking at this. Obviously there was a lot of pain but you are a strong woman!