I've been needing a fresh idea for my blog lately and didn't want to reduce myself to more toilet entries so I was pretty excited to read about the 10 Day Challenge (TDC) via Yessi's blog. The idea was passed to her from a friend and now to me. Let's see if I can remember to blog during the next ten days, I guess that is the challenge!
DAY 1: Ten things you want to say to ten different people you know.
1) I love you but you’re not who you think I am and that kills me.
2) I know deep inside you know, but you love me anyway and it means the world to me.
3) I wish you were nicer to your family.
4) I wish you didn’t drink so much.
5) I think about you more than you know and I wish I knew then what I know now.
6) You’re not perfect, not even close so stop acting like it.
7) I miss you, I miss you, I miss you but I’m so mad and hurt with you.
8) I wish you’d grow up and stop playing the victim.
9) Don’t call me a friend and not truly be there.
10) I wonder if you are in the same boat as me? I think so.
9.24.2010
9.20.2010
Mariachi Festival
We wanted to do something different this weekend so we hit up the local mariachi festival in our new town of Grand Prairie. It was right on the lake, a bit too warm for my preference, but the music was wonderful. These groups weren't just a couple of viejos with a guitar, these were legit.
I missed the name of the first group we saw (in the black) but the second group (in the red) was Mariachi de Oro from Fort Worth and they made us want to run out and buy every mariachi cd out there. Good music, great day.
I missed the name of the first group we saw (in the black) but the second group (in the red) was Mariachi de Oro from Fort Worth and they made us want to run out and buy every mariachi cd out there. Good music, great day.
Blogging + Pain Pills = Bad Choice
So I blogged from the toilet...that's a first.
Definitely not planned, and in my defense I was on many, MANY milligrams of hydrocodone but was still very aware of the fact I was blogging. Of course I wasn't entirely sure what was blogged until today when I felt ready to read it. I guess no one could ever say my blog isn't raw.
A lot has happened since then and I can honestly say I'm in a good place. My miscarriage didn't occur until the next evening and it was painful in so many ways. I won't get into detail but I've never felt so helpless. Ironically, it was sort of a relief. After having everything in me, even after the fact I knew my baby was gone only made things harder, so to know the process to rid my body of those things was underway I felt I was closer to my mental and physical recovery. Many people asked why I chose to induce and m/c naturally versus a D&C procedure and to me, there wasn't a choice. My emotional and mental pain was so severe that a 30 minute procedure that would eliminate any traces of a pregnancy seemed too, simple, almost cold. I felt like I needed to experience the process. I wanted to feel my physical pain vindicate the tears and overwhelming since of grief I had been feeling. I didn't want to be intubated and unconscious so I chose the long road.
I can't begin to tell you what this process has done for me.
Being a Christian I can honestly say God can turn every dark and awful situation into something good. Although I'm still heartbroken and miss talking to my baby, praying for him and or just feeling pregnant - I know now, I can get pregnant! There was a lot of doubt before but now I know I am in fact, not broken. Knowing this has also kept my happiness for my pregnant friends in tact. I was concerned I would be bitter, resentful or just too emotional to talk babies but I almost feel a bit more excited for them then I was in the first place. It feels so weird to say because it almost doesn't feel natural! It has also taken my marriage to another level. Never did I ever imagine that we could become so much closer. I almost feel like we were strangers before this.
I don't know what the road ahead offers but I feel honored and blessed to even have had the opportunity to carry that precious baby for as long as I did. I now have an angel baby waiting for me in heaven.
Definitely not planned, and in my defense I was on many, MANY milligrams of hydrocodone but was still very aware of the fact I was blogging. Of course I wasn't entirely sure what was blogged until today when I felt ready to read it. I guess no one could ever say my blog isn't raw.
A lot has happened since then and I can honestly say I'm in a good place. My miscarriage didn't occur until the next evening and it was painful in so many ways. I won't get into detail but I've never felt so helpless. Ironically, it was sort of a relief. After having everything in me, even after the fact I knew my baby was gone only made things harder, so to know the process to rid my body of those things was underway I felt I was closer to my mental and physical recovery. Many people asked why I chose to induce and m/c naturally versus a D&C procedure and to me, there wasn't a choice. My emotional and mental pain was so severe that a 30 minute procedure that would eliminate any traces of a pregnancy seemed too, simple, almost cold. I felt like I needed to experience the process. I wanted to feel my physical pain vindicate the tears and overwhelming since of grief I had been feeling. I didn't want to be intubated and unconscious so I chose the long road.
I can't begin to tell you what this process has done for me.
Being a Christian I can honestly say God can turn every dark and awful situation into something good. Although I'm still heartbroken and miss talking to my baby, praying for him and or just feeling pregnant - I know now, I can get pregnant! There was a lot of doubt before but now I know I am in fact, not broken. Knowing this has also kept my happiness for my pregnant friends in tact. I was concerned I would be bitter, resentful or just too emotional to talk babies but I almost feel a bit more excited for them then I was in the first place. It feels so weird to say because it almost doesn't feel natural! It has also taken my marriage to another level. Never did I ever imagine that we could become so much closer. I almost feel like we were strangers before this.
I don't know what the road ahead offers but I feel honored and blessed to even have had the opportunity to carry that precious baby for as long as I did. I now have an angel baby waiting for me in heaven.
9.14.2010
Untitled
I received a comment to blog soon. At the time I was so excited to but never got around to it. I was excited to have yet another portal to share our good news. After over three years of trying, months of meds and many tears, we finally got the positive test!
The pregnancy was caught early, I was able to see my little guy at 5 weeks, heartbeat and all. I've been in awe of it since.
Now here I am, blogging mid miscarriage.
Last Thursday I went for a second sonogram, although my sweet pea had a heartbeat at the first sono, it was a bit slow so we rescheduled to ensure all was well. All was not well. My little sweet pea was no where to be found, nor did we hear a heartbeat. After more tests, blood work, and many bouts of tears, yelling, and panic attacks here I am physically feeling my precious baby leave my body.
I was induced with medication earlier to pass the sac and remaining tissue. I'm in a lot of physical pain, the vicodin is barely helping but I'm good. I'm strong and ready for what's next. My heart is still heavy, but my faith is stronger then ever. I don't know why I felt the need to share this now, so poorly written and from a toilet nonetheless (too much info?) but I've been so quiet, I needed to get this out. I've isolated myself to my mom, husband and a couple close friends and anonymity of this blog makes this another safe refuge. There may be more to come, I'm a ball of emotions and this is still processing. This may not be the most entertaining blog but if it helps one person that comes across then it's worth it. I know right now I can't read enough of others miscarriage stories, I feel like I'm a part of a new sisterhood.
Blah. I'm rambling now.
The pain is a bit much, hard to focus..
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
The pregnancy was caught early, I was able to see my little guy at 5 weeks, heartbeat and all. I've been in awe of it since.
Now here I am, blogging mid miscarriage.
Last Thursday I went for a second sonogram, although my sweet pea had a heartbeat at the first sono, it was a bit slow so we rescheduled to ensure all was well. All was not well. My little sweet pea was no where to be found, nor did we hear a heartbeat. After more tests, blood work, and many bouts of tears, yelling, and panic attacks here I am physically feeling my precious baby leave my body.
I was induced with medication earlier to pass the sac and remaining tissue. I'm in a lot of physical pain, the vicodin is barely helping but I'm good. I'm strong and ready for what's next. My heart is still heavy, but my faith is stronger then ever. I don't know why I felt the need to share this now, so poorly written and from a toilet nonetheless (too much info?) but I've been so quiet, I needed to get this out. I've isolated myself to my mom, husband and a couple close friends and anonymity of this blog makes this another safe refuge. There may be more to come, I'm a ball of emotions and this is still processing. This may not be the most entertaining blog but if it helps one person that comes across then it's worth it. I know right now I can't read enough of others miscarriage stories, I feel like I'm a part of a new sisterhood.
Blah. I'm rambling now.
The pain is a bit much, hard to focus..
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
7.12.2010
This guy...
One had the potential to be dad's best friend. They'd go fishing, have a beer and work on a car or boat while mom and I would gab in the kitchen...
One could have been my artistic fit - we could have had a printmaking studio instead of dining room.
One could have been my spiritual pair - we could forever tie two families that have a rich history together. Our parents' dream.
One could have been my musical soulmate. He'd be in a band so instead of buying a new couch we would be invest in a new amp, show tickets, or just sit on the old couch while he'd strum his guitar.
There's a guy in my past to match everything I love. With each I could have had a completely different life then I have today.
But there's another guy.
He doesn't have an ounce of artistic talent and our musical interests are as widespread as our spiritual practices. I can write a list if all of our opposites and it would contain chapters and an index. At one point I was sure we would never have a future. At another point i wanted out of our future. Besides, there were many others I was more compatible with.
But this guy...
This guy...
I married him five years ago, and I still feel like I picked the best one.
Love this guy.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
One could have been my artistic fit - we could have had a printmaking studio instead of dining room.
One could have been my spiritual pair - we could forever tie two families that have a rich history together. Our parents' dream.
One could have been my musical soulmate. He'd be in a band so instead of buying a new couch we would be invest in a new amp, show tickets, or just sit on the old couch while he'd strum his guitar.
There's a guy in my past to match everything I love. With each I could have had a completely different life then I have today.
But there's another guy.
He doesn't have an ounce of artistic talent and our musical interests are as widespread as our spiritual practices. I can write a list if all of our opposites and it would contain chapters and an index. At one point I was sure we would never have a future. At another point i wanted out of our future. Besides, there were many others I was more compatible with.
But this guy...
This guy...
I married him five years ago, and I still feel like I picked the best one.
Love this guy.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
7.01.2010
Open letter to a bad friend...
Bad friend,
I'm hurt.
Over the past couple of years or so I've invested time and energy in our friendship that has just, well, fizzled over the past few months. I can handle fizzling. What I can't handle is telling me you're going to be there and then not be there. I can't comprehend why you say you value our friendship yet can't even talk to me on a semi regular basis. But you know what? it's not that...it's actually not even that. You know what it is? The fact that you took an interest in my sick uncle, asked if you could do anything, I tell you to visit him, you say you might (which isn't a YES, I know) but then you don't visit. What I didn't tell you is that I told my uncle I talked to you, and that you might be coming. He can't talk because of the breathing tube but he raised his eyebrows and smiled. Later that week I lost it. I told you I lost it. I had been cooped up in the hospital for three days, from 9 in the morning to 10 at night and I was emotionally exhausted. My uncle means so much to me. He never married or had kids - he only has us and I couldn't stand to see him in the condition he was (and still is) in. I needed to vent. I needed to cry. And for some reason I thought, you would understand and would want to talk. You went through this with a parent, I thought you might have some advice or some words you could share that helped you. My mom was there for your family, you couldn't visit for her? For my cousin (who I know has hurt you in the past, but once in the past ya'll were good friends too), him either? You couldn't even take two seconds to text me back right away that night because you were out. You knew I was upset - and no follow up. Nothing except a snarky Facebook comment. Seriously? That's crap, and if you don't know it well you are far too up the butt of this lifestyle you are living to notice. The only thing keeping me from telling you this personally is that it would involve an act of God for us to speak, and because I don't think it's worth me hearing your line of excuses and self superiority. I'm disappointed because I would have been a forever friend and you know this - but this is one of those things that will be really hard to forget.
I know this is one of the least mature things I could have done but this is my time to vent. This is my stage, this is my soapbox and if it makes me feel better after the last two weeks I've been having, well, then I don't regret it.
.
I'm hurt.
Over the past couple of years or so I've invested time and energy in our friendship that has just, well, fizzled over the past few months. I can handle fizzling. What I can't handle is telling me you're going to be there and then not be there. I can't comprehend why you say you value our friendship yet can't even talk to me on a semi regular basis. But you know what? it's not that...it's actually not even that. You know what it is? The fact that you took an interest in my sick uncle, asked if you could do anything, I tell you to visit him, you say you might (which isn't a YES, I know) but then you don't visit. What I didn't tell you is that I told my uncle I talked to you, and that you might be coming. He can't talk because of the breathing tube but he raised his eyebrows and smiled. Later that week I lost it. I told you I lost it. I had been cooped up in the hospital for three days, from 9 in the morning to 10 at night and I was emotionally exhausted. My uncle means so much to me. He never married or had kids - he only has us and I couldn't stand to see him in the condition he was (and still is) in. I needed to vent. I needed to cry. And for some reason I thought, you would understand and would want to talk. You went through this with a parent, I thought you might have some advice or some words you could share that helped you. My mom was there for your family, you couldn't visit for her? For my cousin (who I know has hurt you in the past, but once in the past ya'll were good friends too), him either? You couldn't even take two seconds to text me back right away that night because you were out. You knew I was upset - and no follow up. Nothing except a snarky Facebook comment. Seriously? That's crap, and if you don't know it well you are far too up the butt of this lifestyle you are living to notice. The only thing keeping me from telling you this personally is that it would involve an act of God for us to speak, and because I don't think it's worth me hearing your line of excuses and self superiority. I'm disappointed because I would have been a forever friend and you know this - but this is one of those things that will be really hard to forget.
I know this is one of the least mature things I could have done but this is my time to vent. This is my stage, this is my soapbox and if it makes me feel better after the last two weeks I've been having, well, then I don't regret it.
.
mewithoutyou / Rubik / Paper Route - Dallas @ The Door
I went to this show on the 16th at The Door (formerly the Gypsy Tea Room where I saw Regina Spektor for the first time) and never got around to posting it - it's been lunacy here lately which I'll update my two or three readers on in a bit but for now, la musica.
I started listening to mewithoutyou more within the past year. I was exposed to their work a few years ago, listened, liked, but within a matter of 6 months or so I've been pulling out their gems from my musical archive and have been quite pleased.
One of their most well known songs, Messes of Men, has spoken to me on a pretty deep level this year. I listen to it at least once a day and in not so many words I can relate to the message. As I may have mentioned before, I'm a sucker for good lyrical content. Many of their lyrics read more like a piece of fine literature then lyrics from a band who doesn't quite sing as much as they talk, yell and scream (which I'm not typically into but what can I say? It speaks to me.)
Okay, back on track, Messes of Men, I love it. I found this video on YouTube. It was filmed at the Cornerstone Festival in 2006. Ironically, my good friend and photography GOD ;) Dave is at Cornerstone this year (as I type) helping out with the Enthos clothing booth and taking more rad pics to add to his portfolio. Need I also mention he gained privileges to shoot the mewithoutyou show last night at the festival? Too legit. Maybe you should check out his website periodically and catch a glimpse of those photos and more at his site I linked above. And if you desire a great tee or want to check out some great tops and photos, do yourself a favor and check out the Enthos link as well.
Enough plugs. No one reads this anyway. Ha. Read, listen and I'll catch up with you afterwards...
Messes Of Men
"I do not exist,"
we faithfully insist
sailing in our separate ships,
and in each tiny caravel -
tiring of trying, there's a necessary dying
like the horseshoe crab in its proper season sheds its shell
such distance from our friends,
like a scratch across a lens,
made everything look wrong from anywhere we stood
and our paper blew away before we'd left the bay
so half-blind we wrote these songs on sheets of salty wood
you caught me making eyes at the other boatmen's wives
and heard me laughing louder at the jokes told by their daughters
I'd set my course for land,
but you well understand
it takes a steady hand to navigate adulterous waters
the proppeller's spinning blades held acquaintance with the waves
as there's mistakes I've made no rowing could outrun
the cloth low on the mast like to say I've got no past
but I'm nonetheless the librarian and secretary's son
with tarnish on my brass and mildew on my glass
I'd never want someone so crass as to want someone like me
but a few leagues off the shore, I bit a flashing lure
and I assure you, it was not what it expected it to be!
I still taste its kiss, that dull hook in my lip
is a memory as useless as a rod without a reel
to an anchor-ever-dropped-seasick-yet-still-docked captain spotted napping with his first mate at the wheel floating forgetfully along, with no need to be strong. we keep our confessions long and when we pray we keep it short
I drank a thimbleful of fire and I'm not ever going back
Oh, my G-d!
"I do not exist," we faithfully insist
while watching sink the heavy ship of everything we knew
if ever you come near I'll hold up high a mirror
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as you
So I didn't take any great or even decent pics at the show but I do have some rather mediocre videos I recorded on my iPhone. Unfortunately the one song I got in it's entirety is cut in half because my mom called mid recording and it automatically stopped. Thanks mom :)
I started listening to mewithoutyou more within the past year. I was exposed to their work a few years ago, listened, liked, but within a matter of 6 months or so I've been pulling out their gems from my musical archive and have been quite pleased.
One of their most well known songs, Messes of Men, has spoken to me on a pretty deep level this year. I listen to it at least once a day and in not so many words I can relate to the message. As I may have mentioned before, I'm a sucker for good lyrical content. Many of their lyrics read more like a piece of fine literature then lyrics from a band who doesn't quite sing as much as they talk, yell and scream (which I'm not typically into but what can I say? It speaks to me.)
Okay, back on track, Messes of Men, I love it. I found this video on YouTube. It was filmed at the Cornerstone Festival in 2006. Ironically, my good friend and photography GOD ;) Dave is at Cornerstone this year (as I type) helping out with the Enthos clothing booth and taking more rad pics to add to his portfolio. Need I also mention he gained privileges to shoot the mewithoutyou show last night at the festival? Too legit. Maybe you should check out his website periodically and catch a glimpse of those photos and more at his site I linked above. And if you desire a great tee or want to check out some great tops and photos, do yourself a favor and check out the Enthos link as well.
Enough plugs. No one reads this anyway. Ha. Read, listen and I'll catch up with you afterwards...
Messes Of Men
"I do not exist,"
we faithfully insist
sailing in our separate ships,
and in each tiny caravel -
tiring of trying, there's a necessary dying
like the horseshoe crab in its proper season sheds its shell
such distance from our friends,
like a scratch across a lens,
made everything look wrong from anywhere we stood
and our paper blew away before we'd left the bay
so half-blind we wrote these songs on sheets of salty wood
you caught me making eyes at the other boatmen's wives
and heard me laughing louder at the jokes told by their daughters
I'd set my course for land,
but you well understand
it takes a steady hand to navigate adulterous waters
the proppeller's spinning blades held acquaintance with the waves
as there's mistakes I've made no rowing could outrun
the cloth low on the mast like to say I've got no past
but I'm nonetheless the librarian and secretary's son
with tarnish on my brass and mildew on my glass
I'd never want someone so crass as to want someone like me
but a few leagues off the shore, I bit a flashing lure
and I assure you, it was not what it expected it to be!
I still taste its kiss, that dull hook in my lip
is a memory as useless as a rod without a reel
to an anchor-ever-dropped-seasick-yet-still-docked captain spotted napping with his first mate at the wheel floating forgetfully along, with no need to be strong. we keep our confessions long and when we pray we keep it short
I drank a thimbleful of fire and I'm not ever going back
Oh, my G-d!
"I do not exist," we faithfully insist
while watching sink the heavy ship of everything we knew
if ever you come near I'll hold up high a mirror
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as you
So I didn't take any great or even decent pics at the show but I do have some rather mediocre videos I recorded on my iPhone. Unfortunately the one song I got in it's entirety is cut in half because my mom called mid recording and it automatically stopped. Thanks mom :)
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