11.15.2010

Death, Chapter 3

(names on this post will remain confidential, you could probably Google this story and get all the details but this is more than a crime story to me, this is my family and I don't feel comfortable using names right now...)

Thursday, November 11th, 3:30 p.m.

Mother in law calls in the middle of 6th period - I almost ignored it since I was I work, but then I realized, she never calls when I'm at work, so I answer...

"Are you sitting down?"


"What? Why?"


"Aunt A was killed, M  (her granddaughter) killed her..."

Worst phone call ever.

Aunt A is actually my husband's aunt, and mine through marriage, but I've actually known her longer then I've known my husband, We went to church together for many years, and she and my mother were very close friends. When I first moved to this area we became very close. She had also moved from our hometown here and knew the area much better than I so we were able to visit churches, and spend time together. it was nice to know we had family here.

She lived with one of her two daughters, and her son. Not long after, her granddaughter M, moved in. M was the daughter of Aunt A's other daughter who remained in our home town.

So what in the world would cause a granddaughter to kill her own grandmother?

M has suffered from psychological issues for some time now. She has been in and out of treatment facilities and hospitals and was diagnosed bipolar/schizophrenic. Her insurance wouldn't cover all of the meds she needed and those that it did cover M had a difficult time taking them like she needed to.

We all knew she was sick. We had no idea how bad it was.

When we would see her, she was normal. We only knew she was sick because of what those closest to her told us. Otherwise, M was always personable and warm.

............

Okay, this is not as easy as I thought...

Wow.

A is gone. She died with a bullet to the head. She was not deserving of this - she treated her grandchildren with the highest respect. She was compassionate, warm, and loving. She was a giver, and a worker. She was full of joy, and it all ended on a cold concrete parking lot of a psychiatric hospital. She was taking her sick granddaughter to be evaluated, to get help because she loved her so much and hated to see her suffer and hear these "voices" telling her to do things against God and nature.

I can't fathom how sick must she have been to have done that? And was she really that sick? What is the difference between her and a cold hearted killer? Is this different because she was sick? But she went out and got a gun, even shared what her plans were beforehand. Isn't that calculated? How is my family going to recover from this? How is my cousin and her son going to move on, two less people in their home? One in prison, one dead? How will we treat M? With love and compassion? With hate and rage? I know it is the intention of our family to treat her like family and forgive. I just know for some people, that may not be feasible any time soon, and I understand that.

Above all of the questions, lie the emotions.

The severity of this situation didn't hit until we hit the road Saturday. Even after going to A's house Thursday night to be with my family - I still sat stone faced. Friday as I packed, my mind was running - but I was a rock. Once I hit the main highway - the tears wouldn't stop. Now as I sit and type I'm shaking at what a heinous thing has occurred in my family. My tears has somehow made another reappearance and there's nothing I can do to have peace with this. I haven't had a full nights sleep since I received the news. I kept seeing their faces, I even saw visions of what it all looked like. I imagined the look on my aunt's face when she saw her precious granddaughter raise a gun to her head.

In the midst of this I miss being able to share these types of things with certain people. This has been a rough year and although my husband is a great support and friend - sometimes I need that outside source to talk to and get things off my chest and it seems like I'm in a dry spell.

It's okay though. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have my mother here. My niece's and nephews are healthy. My husband loves me, and my family is now safe. These are the things I hold onto. The solace I find is in knowing my aunt is no longer worried, or stressed. I know peace will come back to my heart, and back to my family. I know one day soon I will be able to sleep and not imagine the horror. I have to believe this or I cannot live life the way I know my aunt would have wanted me to.

4 comments:

ISRAEL CARRASCO said...

That is intense. But it highlights how the dangers of mental problems when it is not treated.

yessi said...

Wow, Lena, I can't even imagine what you're going through. I'm so sorry, and I hope peace (or at least a moment of rest) finds you quickly.

Lena said...

@Israel, I agree. The state I live in does little to nothing for the mentally ill. They shove them out of the hospitals after popping a few pills and a couple night's stay. Plus, once outr of facilities, her insurance would'nt cover the meds she needed.
@Yessi - it's been a mess! Thank you for the kind words.

The Powells said...

Lena,
That is so disheartening. I'm very sad for you and the rest of the family. Mental illness is so hard to cope with, for the person suffering, as well as the rest of the family involved, and I can't imagine it having to come to such a tragic event. I'm so sorry and hope that peace comes sooner than later. Love ya.