Me -vs- Me

Me -vs- Me

Innovating -vs- Traditional

Freedom -vs- Commitment

Chaos -vs- Structure

Me -vs- Me

I could come up with many more of these "versus'" to describe my frame of mind from this weekend.

Let me explain.

Friday night I drove out to the Ft Worth Stockyards to catch a show of a good friend and his new band. He is somewhat of a newer friend, but I consider him a good one and looked forward to hearing their stuff.

I met two of his friends, a young couple from the area who I really hit it off with. After sitting there for a couple of hours I realized, I was having a lot of fun, despite the fact my only friend there was on stage and I was with strangers. Once we were all seated and talking I was taken back to college, not necessarily because these people were a bit younger, but because of the flow of conversation. It was...smart. There are very few people I can have smart conversation with. What do I mean by smart? It may not even be the correct term to use in this case but for me smart is, creative, witty, philosophical and entertaining.

When I was an art major in college working on a late night project with a few or many classmates we would have smart talk. It could be in the ceramics room or Mac lab but we always made time to talk. We would talk about ideas, creativity, music, art, ways of life, ways of thinking, ways of self expression...and it came so easily for us to be a fountain of ideas. Outside of the classroom, in a beat up house, we'd sit around, listen to Zepplin while someone strung a guitar and we would talk just about every facet of life. We created stories, brainstormed ideas for things that weren't even necessary or pratical. We could do what we wanted, whenever and however we chose. We looked different, acted different but creativity is what drove us. Some would call these groups hippies, or beatniks...but I would just say we were free thinkers.

Fast forward to today.

Today my conversations start off something like...:

How was work?

Where did you find that recipe again?

Did you go to the doctor afterall?

How are the kids?

I feel like a soccer mom minus the kids. I look on my desk calender and everything is so planned and expected, down to the last detail. Meetings, banquets, birthday parties, appointments you name it. The only thing creative about it are the multicolored Sharpies I use to label it. Even the concerts I'm attending are penciled in. Nothing happens on a whim. I grew up, and creativity is so often forced.

Sometimes I feel like a part of me died.

I am happy being a wife. I am happy being a responsible adult. I like the consistency and stability of it all. When it comes down to it, I do want the house, kids, white picket fence family and so on and it's something I want now (not later). But I feel like I'm meant to be doing something else in life, in addition to the traditional life. I haven't pinpointed it but I know it's there. So now my question is, how can I incorporate both? How can I have the stability and still gamble on pursuing a dream? And what is the dream?

I'm going to continue writing. I seem to learn more from my own written word, it's very fluid for me. Maybe soon I'll lead myself in the right direction. Maybe you have a suggestion? Perhaps I'm just not easily satisfed woman, but right now, I really just need an adventure.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


andrea said...

Once again, Picosita, sounds like I wrote this myself...

I miss those days too. As I grow older and make new friends, finding people to have "smart" conversations with is getting harder and harder and when I do, man to I latch onto them and feel alive.

I've struggled with needing structure to survive, but also this hunger for that whim. I realized after speaking with my best friend last year (after my break up) that I used plans and structure as a crutch and a tool for control. I felt that if I didn't plan life, life would cease to exist. I too enjoy being a responsible adult with a set of routines, but once in a while, it's nice to get a phone call or an unexpected invite.

So what did I do to balance this all out (I'm not saying I have it all figured out), but I've tried to plan the important things (a family member's birthday, a concert I want to go to) and let the other things happen organically. It takes time, patience, trust and faith that things will work out as you wish them too. Does this make sense? I think you're on the right path.

yessi said...

Hi! I hadn't stopped by in a while but I do stalk your blog from time to time. I apologize if that creeps you out.

But anyway, this post hit a neuron! Seems we find ourselves in almost identical situations, lady! I'll give you some tips when I've figured it all out :)

Picosita said...

I'm not freaked out at all! Stalk away! It's crazy, since I wrote that blog I've found myself in so many conversations with women that feel the same way, or have at one point. It was a total confirmation that this is in fact completely normal after watching the new SATC movie. Yes, I know, but I've always related to Carrie and even more so after watching it!