4.29.2011

Then There Was Two (In One)

There's something wrong with me.

I feel like two different people sometimes.

I feel like my two selves are two, separate, alter egos. I don't have one self, with a smaller self that comes out occasionally - I feel like two different people.

My two very different blogs can probably attest to that.

In one blog, I see my life for what it truly is, happy. I live in the silver lining, and it's where I never stop counting my never ending blessings. It's where I'm okay with having two children instead of three and where I am in a positive place.

Here, well, I come here to be honest on a different level. My other self comes out. This is where I express those dark things most won't say out loud because they'll sound selfish or whiny. This is where I can say that I love my girls and would most certainly die without them but I am emotionally ravaged because today was supposed to be my due date.

People that tell me to move past it, or focus on what I have been given don't understand (therefore should shut up), because it still hurts. It's a very real pain that has not gone away.

My girls sometimes intensify this emotion only because I'm in love with them so much I long to touch the child I never knew.

My heart breaks when I think of how he felt when his soul was called into heaven before meeting me. I wonder what I was doing the moment his heart stopped beating. Was I yelling at a student? Was I naively scribbling down baby names? was I dreaming of him?

It's very difficult for me today.

I desperately want to stay in the silver, and live in the positive, spiritually upbeat way of life - but I think God made us more complex than that. Well, he certainly made me that way.

I cried and yelled over something silly today, I've been doing that a lot lately. I can honestly say now, without feeling ashamed or bad, that yes, I do need a break.

This all makes me feel all kinds of guilty.

Not only do I long for a child I never knew when I have two angels in the next room, but on top of that I need just an evening of me.

I know I'm not being selfish, and I do deserve this but remember, I'm complex.

I'm not bipolar, I don't have dual personality disorder, and I certainly do not feel depressed. In fact, I'm happy with my life, today was just a bad day.

I'm glad I have my refuge here when I'm just not feeling like rainbows, cupcakes and puppy dog tails.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

4 comments:

The Powells said...

If we didn't have bad days, we could never appreciate the good ones. Glad you had a while to get this out. I'm sure that no person truly gets over losing a child, especially a Mom. I love that you are so emotionally in tune with your feelings. Most (that includes me) are not as adept to why they feel the way they do sometimes. Thanks for the post.

ISRAEL CARRASCO said...

Be strong. Just remember that in difficult times, it helps to be around family and good friends.

yessi said...

hellooooo...?
too much coupon clipping; not enough intelligent ranting!!! :P

Steph said...

You are a remarkable young woman with a passionate heart and love for life. The Lord has blessed you richly and He is the sole person who understands the pain like you do. You are truly beautiful. Sending love, steph