There's something wrong with me.
I feel like two different people sometimes.
I feel like my two selves are two, separate, alter egos. I don't have one self, with a smaller self that comes out occasionally - I feel like two different people.
My two very different blogs can probably attest to that.
In one blog, I see my life for what it truly is, happy. I live in the silver lining, and it's where I never stop counting my never ending blessings. It's where I'm okay with having two children instead of three and where I am in a positive place.
Here, well, I come here to be honest on a different level. My other self comes out. This is where I express those dark things most won't say out loud because they'll sound selfish or whiny. This is where I can say that I love my girls and would most certainly die without them but I am emotionally ravaged because today was supposed to be my due date.
People that tell me to move past it, or focus on what I have been given don't understand (therefore should shut up), because it still hurts. It's a very real pain that has not gone away.
My girls sometimes intensify this emotion only because I'm in love with them so much I long to touch the child I never knew.
My heart breaks when I think of how he felt when his soul was called into heaven before meeting me. I wonder what I was doing the moment his heart stopped beating. Was I yelling at a student? Was I naively scribbling down baby names? was I dreaming of him?
It's very difficult for me today.
I desperately want to stay in the silver, and live in the positive, spiritually upbeat way of life - but I think God made us more complex than that. Well, he certainly made me that way.
I cried and yelled over something silly today, I've been doing that a lot lately. I can honestly say now, without feeling ashamed or bad, that yes, I do need a break.
This all makes me feel all kinds of guilty.
Not only do I long for a child I never knew when I have two angels in the next room, but on top of that I need just an evening of me.
I know I'm not being selfish, and I do deserve this but remember, I'm complex.
I'm not bipolar, I don't have dual personality disorder, and I certainly do not feel depressed. In fact, I'm happy with my life, today was just a bad day.
I'm glad I have my refuge here when I'm just not feeling like rainbows, cupcakes and puppy dog tails.
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