Many times we look around and observe everything that surrounds us. I, for one, like to people watch. It's a nasty little habit actually. I can't go anywhere socially without a through once over of those around me. Sometimes I create a story in my head of what brought them there, where they've been, and how I can relate. It's easy to hear about the lives of others and respond merely as a spectator looking in. It's when we begin the journey of looking into ourselves that we begin to actually, learn and grow (not to mention sulk at the mess we've allowed ourselves to become). I want to look IN more. Discover everything there is to about me, good, bad, and ugly - and convince myself that I can become someone who is comfortable enough in her own shoes, to then be "onced over" myself. On the outside I have it together. I want to be able to give people a true representation of who I am and what I have to offer. I don't want to feel guilty because I'm not who they think. I want to be able to look in, and step out in confidence. Once we begin to focus on that inner self - everything, like in the picture, begins to become a blur. It is only that which is important, that should always stay in focus.

I fell like Rev Run all of a sudden.


andrea said...

I do the same thing. I'm coming up on that intersection myself right now since I'm staring at Dating in its face (I know you're happily married.) And I have a decision: either I put my most authentic self out there, or I crawl back inward and let the insecurities do all the talking. I was with someone for 5 years during the developing parts of who I was. After we broke up, I came out empty. Who am I really? What do I want? I knew it had to do with not being my true self... It's been over a year now and I'm starting to dip my toe into the dating pool and even if things don't work out with someone in particular, at least now its not because I wish I "coulda been" "shoulda been" someone else. I feel like I'm finally living as my most authentic self and if they don't accept that, it has nothing to do with me or even them, its just not right for "us" as a unit, and I like that. No more blaming!

Picosita said...

It never ends. Even being happily married is really dependent on the current situation. Even married there are times of major self doubt. I went through a really ugly time about a year ago where I really felt like I lost myself because of my marriage. I found myself doing everything he loved instead of doing the things I loved. It really wasn't as much his fault as it was mine for allowing myself, to let myself go. Once I learn to invest more time into me, and my interests I found myself a much happier person. Time and situations change us all, and once we feel like we've found ourselves, we change again. Isn't that how it should be though? If we don't grow and evolve then life wouldn't be quite so interesting.
Have fun dating - being able to go back out and discover what truly makes you happy after the experience of such a long term relationship will only make you a better partner, and better prepared!

andrea said...

Ay, thank you so much. I really needed that. It's also comforting to hear that even in a marriage, things still need work and are not "done". I'm glad you're doing those things for yourself.