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4.29.2011
Then There Was Two (In One)
There's something wrong with me.
I feel like two different people sometimes.
I feel like my two selves are two, separate, alter egos. I don't have one self, with a smaller self that comes out occasionally - I feel like two different people.
My two very different blogs can probably attest to that.
In one blog, I see my life for what it truly is, happy. I live in the silver lining, and it's where I never stop counting my never ending blessings. It's where I'm okay with having two children instead of three and where I am in a positive place.
Here, well, I come here to be honest on a different level. My other self comes out. This is where I express those dark things most won't say out loud because they'll sound selfish or whiny. This is where I can say that I love my girls and would most certainly die without them but I am emotionally ravaged because today was supposed to be my due date.
People that tell me to move past it, or focus on what I have been given don't understand (therefore should shut up), because it still hurts. It's a very real pain that has not gone away.
My girls sometimes intensify this emotion only because I'm in love with them so much I long to touch the child I never knew.
My heart breaks when I think of how he felt when his soul was called into heaven before meeting me. I wonder what I was doing the moment his heart stopped beating. Was I yelling at a student? Was I naively scribbling down baby names? was I dreaming of him?
It's very difficult for me today.
I desperately want to stay in the silver, and live in the positive, spiritually upbeat way of life - but I think God made us more complex than that. Well, he certainly made me that way.
I cried and yelled over something silly today, I've been doing that a lot lately. I can honestly say now, without feeling ashamed or bad, that yes, I do need a break.
This all makes me feel all kinds of guilty.
Not only do I long for a child I never knew when I have two angels in the next room, but on top of that I need just an evening of me.
I know I'm not being selfish, and I do deserve this but remember, I'm complex.
I'm not bipolar, I don't have dual personality disorder, and I certainly do not feel depressed. In fact, I'm happy with my life, today was just a bad day.
I'm glad I have my refuge here when I'm just not feeling like rainbows, cupcakes and puppy dog tails.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I feel like two different people sometimes.
I feel like my two selves are two, separate, alter egos. I don't have one self, with a smaller self that comes out occasionally - I feel like two different people.
My two very different blogs can probably attest to that.
In one blog, I see my life for what it truly is, happy. I live in the silver lining, and it's where I never stop counting my never ending blessings. It's where I'm okay with having two children instead of three and where I am in a positive place.
Here, well, I come here to be honest on a different level. My other self comes out. This is where I express those dark things most won't say out loud because they'll sound selfish or whiny. This is where I can say that I love my girls and would most certainly die without them but I am emotionally ravaged because today was supposed to be my due date.
People that tell me to move past it, or focus on what I have been given don't understand (therefore should shut up), because it still hurts. It's a very real pain that has not gone away.
My girls sometimes intensify this emotion only because I'm in love with them so much I long to touch the child I never knew.
My heart breaks when I think of how he felt when his soul was called into heaven before meeting me. I wonder what I was doing the moment his heart stopped beating. Was I yelling at a student? Was I naively scribbling down baby names? was I dreaming of him?
It's very difficult for me today.
I desperately want to stay in the silver, and live in the positive, spiritually upbeat way of life - but I think God made us more complex than that. Well, he certainly made me that way.
I cried and yelled over something silly today, I've been doing that a lot lately. I can honestly say now, without feeling ashamed or bad, that yes, I do need a break.
This all makes me feel all kinds of guilty.
Not only do I long for a child I never knew when I have two angels in the next room, but on top of that I need just an evening of me.
I know I'm not being selfish, and I do deserve this but remember, I'm complex.
I'm not bipolar, I don't have dual personality disorder, and I certainly do not feel depressed. In fact, I'm happy with my life, today was just a bad day.
I'm glad I have my refuge here when I'm just not feeling like rainbows, cupcakes and puppy dog tails.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
2.02.2011
Why I Love Frida
I love her art.
I love how raw it is. I love the emotion behind it. I love the stories it spoke. I love that she never held back.
I love her love.
I love how she wore her heart on her sleeve. There were no limits to her love. She was passionate. She was rebellious. She lived in the moment. She was the lover of many and held no regrets.
________________________________________________
 |
| little by little... |
 |
| ...they'll come to learn the things I've learned... |
 |
| ...about life, love, and passion... |
 |
| ...maybe they'll be little artistas as well... |
 |
| I'll just be happy as long as they love... |
Ah. These snow days have me spoiled. Sleep, art, and insight. Bring on the snow.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
1.23.2011
I've been consumed.
I really didn't want this to be about mommy-hood.
Really.
I've maintained the mommy blog but the problem with most mommy blogs, they're not used to express much of anything about the mommy person writing it. Which is okay. Almost. One could say it's just symbolic of how it's all about the kids for them, but as a member of the blogger world for some years now I see it as an invitation to lose oneself.
I don't want to lose myself.
I think I'm going into this phase of my life wiser then most.. Not trying to sound all self righteous but I've seen a lot of people lose them themselves into parent hood and feel like I'm going in better prepared. I don't want that. I want to be me, and a mommy.
There are a lot of things running in my head right now, I'm consumed with thought. Perhaps it's because it's past 3 a.m., I'm on the couch while the swing rocks a not so well Lola, left with just me, my thoughts, and some YouTube videos to keep me company. Here's what I'm feeling...
1) I'm proud I've been able to keep it together. This transition has been challenging but I think I'm faring well, in fact I know I'm kicking butt at it and that's an awesome feeling.
2) I need to get out, if just for a night. I need to let my hair down, listen to some music, and sway to the rhythm to a good bass line.
3) I need to finish these thank you notes.
4) I miss some important people in my life. It seems lately many are making a reappearance in my life, but perhaps not at the capacity I would prefer.
5 I'm not sure why I want these people in my life. There's a reason they disappeared.
6) I"m overwhelmed with thanksgiving. Sometimes I just cry at the thought of feeling this happy.
7) I get scared to death the birthfather will come around before this adoption is final. My thoughts literally haunt me when I think this isn't final yet.
8) I need/want a familiar hug.
9) How did I get so lucky with him? Women around me have men leaving them and mistreating them left and right and he stays around. Will he ever get fed up with me? Will I? You think it could never happen but I'm seeing it way too much. I hate to be naive, but I really think we're in for the long haul.
10) That also scares me.
Maybe not what you wanted to hear for my first blog in awhile but I'm sure there will be more. Things are too calm right now, I feel a bit of something else coming on.
Stay tuned.
Really.
I've maintained the mommy blog but the problem with most mommy blogs, they're not used to express much of anything about the
I don't want to lose myself.
I think I'm going into this phase of my life wiser then most.. Not trying to sound all self righteous but I've seen a lot of people lose them themselves into parent hood and feel like I'm going in better prepared. I don't want that. I want to be me, and a mommy.
There are a lot of things running in my head right now, I'm consumed with thought. Perhaps it's because it's past 3 a.m., I'm on the couch while the swing rocks a not so well Lola, left with just me, my thoughts, and some YouTube videos to keep me company. Here's what I'm feeling...
1) I'm proud I've been able to keep it together. This transition has been challenging but I think I'm faring well, in fact I know I'm kicking butt at it and that's an awesome feeling.
2) I need to get out, if just for a night. I need to let my hair down, listen to some music, and sway to the rhythm to a good bass line.
3) I need to finish these thank you notes.
4) I miss some important people in my life. It seems lately many are making a reappearance in my life, but perhaps not at the capacity I would prefer.
5 I'm not sure why I want these people in my life. There's a reason they disappeared.
6) I"m overwhelmed with thanksgiving. Sometimes I just cry at the thought of feeling this happy.
7) I get scared to death the birthfather will come around before this adoption is final. My thoughts literally haunt me when I think this isn't final yet.
8) I need/want a familiar hug.
9) How did I get so lucky with him? Women around me have men leaving them and mistreating them left and right and he stays around. Will he ever get fed up with me? Will I? You think it could never happen but I'm seeing it way too much. I hate to be naive, but I really think we're in for the long haul.
10) That also scares me.
Maybe not what you wanted to hear for my first blog in awhile but I'm sure there will be more. Things are too calm right now, I feel a bit of something else coming on.
Stay tuned.
12.31.2010
Twins, not for the weak.
No, I'm not having an "oh CRAP!" moment, not at all. In fact, after waiting so long for mommy hood I made a pact with myself that my complaints would be few and far apart. I actually don't have complaints even about the lack of sleep or personal time to, say for instance, BLOG, but it has taken it's toll on me for different reasons. I totally became a hypocrite and started a "mommy blog," you can read it here, but will continue to write here as I feel necessary. My "mommy blog" will serve the purpose of allowing friends and family that actually have an investment or concern in my girls personally or have kids of their own an find an excessive amount of photos of another kid doing the same thing in four different bootleg photoshop vinettes interesting because if they tell you it's great you'll run to their mommy blog and return the favor, and of course those without children that for some reason enjoy following other peoples kids' progress via Blogger or Wordpress (do they exist?) This shall remain my private portal about all things I find interesting or worth complaining about, when the baby Gods allow time for me to do so...
Here's a list...
1) Twins are expensive. I never wanted to spoil my kids and now it seems like I don't have a choice. Between the insurance, food, diapers, lawyer fees, and nanny money is tight.
Hold up.
Wait a minute.
Yes, I said nanny. Not a live in nanny, just a glorified sitter who will watch my girls at my home while I work so I don't have to put together a diaper bag or load them in and out of my car four times a day.
It just dawned on me. I'm Mexican-American with a white nanny! What's this world coming to...
2) I often find myself irritated when I'm constantly asked or urged to stay at home. It's not that I don't see value in staying home with my girls 24 hours, really I do and I see why others do it but it's not for me and here's why...
I LOVED seeing my mother do it all. She worked full time, was and is a great wife and mother, went to all of our school things, kept the house clean, kept us fed with homemade meals daily and looked like a rockstar balancing it all. I want that image for my daughters. There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom and I know it's hard work, harder than many jobs (believe me I know, I'm practically a babysitter for 200 middle schoolers) but I want my daughters to see the same way I can do it all, so can they. Plus, there aren't just a ton of people in m family with a college degree, I'm one of the first on both sides and I want to utilize that degree. My job will help me help students who don't have a role model at home like my girls will, it will help me provide for my daughters financially, and it will give me time for me even if it's in a classroom.
I'm annoyed with the topic constantly being brought up and although it can be tempting at times, right now I'm a working gal and I like it. Plus, financially it would be detrimental unless we had a third child but if we had a third child we would probably end up on Chips and stamps and honestly, I know those things are out there for those that need it but well I'm able bodied enough to work so I won't need it thankyouverymuch.
3) My parents were almost killed this week, no exaggeration. Shortly after I left their home with my girls in tow, their kitchen exploded from a sudden gas leak that threw them both back several feet. Dad has severe burns on his arms, hands, and face that are now blistered, red/black/pink/brown spots all over and still in pain. Mom on the other hand only lost a few inches of burnt hair but is suffering the most emotionally and mentally. The majority of the damage was done in the kitchen and parts of the living room so they're living in an extended stay hotel until they decide if they want to even return.
I hope they don't.
I'm sure they will.
4) I'm over Zumba. No I haven't tried it and don't have any intention to (which in saying that means I WILL do it because I tend to get all hypocrite on an issue and do the opposite of what I've said I would, you know, like a mommy blog and watching Avatar)
Seriously though, if I have to see one more commercial or Facebook status about Zumba I'm going topull my toenails out with pliers go crazy. It's talked about like it's a religion and really it just looks like a bunch of dancing.
5) My mind is currently revolving around all things mommy so I'm going to make that #5. I fear if I write more it'll be all mommy crap and I have to expand outside of that on this blog or I'll totally lose myself in the process. It's going to be a delicate process, not just in blogging aspects which is the last of my concerns, but just holding on to who I am, mommy or not. I know a lot of women struggle with that and I struggled with it as a married woman alone, but now I mom of twins?
I know my time will be limited for "me" time, but I have to stick to it. I won't go to concerts all the time like before, but I'll hit a show here and there. I'll wear more comfortable shoes when carrying around two little kiddos, but my heals won't sit the bench either. Lastly I'll cut back from extra responsibilities but I will remain true to those that help me be the person I know will help me as a mother like being a friend, an artist, and, a blogger :)
Here's a list...
1) Twins are expensive. I never wanted to spoil my kids and now it seems like I don't have a choice. Between the insurance, food, diapers, lawyer fees, and nanny money is tight.
Hold up.
Wait a minute.
Yes, I said nanny. Not a live in nanny, just a glorified sitter who will watch my girls at my home while I work so I don't have to put together a diaper bag or load them in and out of my car four times a day.
It just dawned on me. I'm Mexican-American with a white nanny! What's this world coming to...
2) I often find myself irritated when I'm constantly asked or urged to stay at home. It's not that I don't see value in staying home with my girls 24 hours, really I do and I see why others do it but it's not for me and here's why...
I LOVED seeing my mother do it all. She worked full time, was and is a great wife and mother, went to all of our school things, kept the house clean, kept us fed with homemade meals daily and looked like a rockstar balancing it all. I want that image for my daughters. There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom and I know it's hard work, harder than many jobs (believe me I know, I'm practically a babysitter for 200 middle schoolers) but I want my daughters to see the same way I can do it all, so can they. Plus, there aren't just a ton of people in m family with a college degree, I'm one of the first on both sides and I want to utilize that degree. My job will help me help students who don't have a role model at home like my girls will, it will help me provide for my daughters financially, and it will give me time for me even if it's in a classroom.
I'm annoyed with the topic constantly being brought up and although it can be tempting at times, right now I'm a working gal and I like it. Plus, financially it would be detrimental unless we had a third child but if we had a third child we would probably end up on Chips and stamps and honestly, I know those things are out there for those that need it but well I'm able bodied enough to work so I won't need it thankyouverymuch.
3) My parents were almost killed this week, no exaggeration. Shortly after I left their home with my girls in tow, their kitchen exploded from a sudden gas leak that threw them both back several feet. Dad has severe burns on his arms, hands, and face that are now blistered, red/black/pink/brown spots all over and still in pain. Mom on the other hand only lost a few inches of burnt hair but is suffering the most emotionally and mentally. The majority of the damage was done in the kitchen and parts of the living room so they're living in an extended stay hotel until they decide if they want to even return.
I hope they don't.
I'm sure they will.
4) I'm over Zumba. No I haven't tried it and don't have any intention to (which in saying that means I WILL do it because I tend to get all hypocrite on an issue and do the opposite of what I've said I would, you know, like a mommy blog and watching Avatar)
Seriously though, if I have to see one more commercial or Facebook status about Zumba I'm going to
5) My mind is currently revolving around all things mommy so I'm going to make that #5. I fear if I write more it'll be all mommy crap and I have to expand outside of that on this blog or I'll totally lose myself in the process. It's going to be a delicate process, not just in blogging aspects which is the last of my concerns, but just holding on to who I am, mommy or not. I know a lot of women struggle with that and I struggled with it as a married woman alone, but now I mom of twins?
I know my time will be limited for "me" time, but I have to stick to it. I won't go to concerts all the time like before, but I'll hit a show here and there. I'll wear more comfortable shoes when carrying around two little kiddos, but my heals won't sit the bench either. Lastly I'll cut back from extra responsibilities but I will remain true to those that help me be the person I know will help me as a mother like being a friend, an artist, and, a blogger :)
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