"That's a Big Toof"

I'm sitting in the office of my oral surgeon waiting to get a big fat iv in me and two pounds of wisdom teeth out.

Of course I'm just saying this because I'm nervous - it can't be that bad right?

I decided I will blog pre-op, and as quickly as I can post-op so later I can go back and read the nonsense I wrote while high.

I hope its good stuff. I hope I feel like Jack from the Jack in the Box commercials. I'd link it buy I'm too jittery.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Death, Chapter 3

(names on this post will remain confidential, you could probably Google this story and get all the details but this is more than a crime story to me, this is my family and I don't feel comfortable using names right now...)

Thursday, November 11th, 3:30 p.m.

Mother in law calls in the middle of 6th period - I almost ignored it since I was I work, but then I realized, she never calls when I'm at work, so I answer...

"Are you sitting down?"


"What? Why?"


"Aunt A was killed, M  (her granddaughter) killed her..."

Worst phone call ever.

Aunt A is actually my husband's aunt, and mine through marriage, but I've actually known her longer then I've known my husband, We went to church together for many years, and she and my mother were very close friends. When I first moved to this area we became very close. She had also moved from our hometown here and knew the area much better than I so we were able to visit churches, and spend time together. it was nice to know we had family here.

She lived with one of her two daughters, and her son. Not long after, her granddaughter M, moved in. M was the daughter of Aunt A's other daughter who remained in our home town.

So what in the world would cause a granddaughter to kill her own grandmother?

M has suffered from psychological issues for some time now. She has been in and out of treatment facilities and hospitals and was diagnosed bipolar/schizophrenic. Her insurance wouldn't cover all of the meds she needed and those that it did cover M had a difficult time taking them like she needed to.

We all knew she was sick. We had no idea how bad it was.

When we would see her, she was normal. We only knew she was sick because of what those closest to her told us. Otherwise, M was always personable and warm.

............

Okay, this is not as easy as I thought...

Wow.

A is gone. She died with a bullet to the head. She was not deserving of this - she treated her grandchildren with the highest respect. She was compassionate, warm, and loving. She was a giver, and a worker. She was full of joy, and it all ended on a cold concrete parking lot of a psychiatric hospital. She was taking her sick granddaughter to be evaluated, to get help because she loved her so much and hated to see her suffer and hear these "voices" telling her to do things against God and nature.

I can't fathom how sick must she have been to have done that? And was she really that sick? What is the difference between her and a cold hearted killer? Is this different because she was sick? But she went out and got a gun, even shared what her plans were beforehand. Isn't that calculated? How is my family going to recover from this? How is my cousin and her son going to move on, two less people in their home? One in prison, one dead? How will we treat M? With love and compassion? With hate and rage? I know it is the intention of our family to treat her like family and forgive. I just know for some people, that may not be feasible any time soon, and I understand that.

Above all of the questions, lie the emotions.

The severity of this situation didn't hit until we hit the road Saturday. Even after going to A's house Thursday night to be with my family - I still sat stone faced. Friday as I packed, my mind was running - but I was a rock. Once I hit the main highway - the tears wouldn't stop. Now as I sit and type I'm shaking at what a heinous thing has occurred in my family. My tears has somehow made another reappearance and there's nothing I can do to have peace with this. I haven't had a full nights sleep since I received the news. I kept seeing their faces, I even saw visions of what it all looked like. I imagined the look on my aunt's face when she saw her precious granddaughter raise a gun to her head.

In the midst of this I miss being able to share these types of things with certain people. This has been a rough year and although my husband is a great support and friend - sometimes I need that outside source to talk to and get things off my chest and it seems like I'm in a dry spell.

It's okay though. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have my mother here. My niece's and nephews are healthy. My husband loves me, and my family is now safe. These are the things I hold onto. The solace I find is in knowing my aunt is no longer worried, or stressed. I know peace will come back to my heart, and back to my family. I know one day soon I will be able to sleep and not imagine the horror. I have to believe this or I cannot live life the way I know my aunt would have wanted me to.

"Vanity is My Favorite Sin"

Those were Al Pacino's words, not mine, but they could very well be.

I am vain, yes, it's not secret.

It's not anything I'm proud of per say, but I've totally come to terms with it.

I get it from my mom.

This was totally taken at a football game - no sweatshirts or tennis shoes for us. We supported the team fashionably.

Mom and I were talking today and every so often she says something like:

"When I did I want this song at my funeral,,,,"
or
"If something happens to me and I need 24 hour help just send me to a home..."

It's funny how she seems almost totally okay with the fact she is getting older, not as healthy and feels it necessary to bring these things up but today she took it in a different direction...

Mom: "When I die I want a closed casket, I don't want people seeing me like that, I want the last way they saw me to be good. Oh, and if I get sick and in the hospital you and your sister HAVE to make sure you're keeping up with my make up."

Me: "Uh, ditto! Oh, and make sure your tweeze my brows at least every other week, seriously, I mean, it's bad enough I'm IN the hospital but I have to look rough too??"

Mom: "Right?"

Me: "Yeah! 

Me: "Um, mom? We're totally vain!"

Mom: "I know."

Is it wrong to be so vain?

Even since I was a little girl (minus my tomboy years) I wouldn't leave the house without feeling like I looked my best for whatever occasion I was heading out to. As I got older, it became a bit more intense. I've never come close to being the low maintenance type, granted, I don't indulge in massages or skin treatments but I don't leave the house without mascara or lip gloss at the least, and neither does momma.

I've always laughed at guys that have told me I didn't need makeup, heels and such because whenever they met and approached me I was wearing makeup and heels. I find it hard to believe they would have been so quick to introduce themselves if I was sans makeup and had my hair in a bun.

But I never did it for the boys, I did it for me.

I take pride in a good appearance. I enjoy makeup, and primping myself. I can sit behind the PS3 for hours (Hello Black Ops!) and sit through a Sunday full of football constantly checking my fantasy team but I am a girly girl and proud. I frequent the salon for a cut/style or mani/pedi. I wax my own eyebrows every other week to ensure they're flawless. I micro demabrase once or  twice a week, and moisturize, moisturize, moisturize. I've been known to kick up the whiteness in my teeth, and if I had my choice, I'd wear heels on a daily basis. My "makeup bag" is a professional makeup case with compartments and categories (browns, smoky blacks/grays, violets).

Yes. It's that's serious.

I guess I never really understood people who didn't do the same.

I think there is a big difference in being proud of your appearance by maintaining yourself to a higher standard, and being an egotistical jerk. One might say vanity is vanity and it's a futile, narcissistic trait.

I say we have one life to live, and I'm going to live it feeling good about myself on the inside and out.

So in closing, here are a few of my favorite vanity enabling products and one of mom's beauty secrets:

1) Bad Gal Lash by Benefit

I've used everything and this is by far my favorite. It makes my lashes super long, full, and not cluttered at all.

2) MAC Lip Glass in Pink Poodle

One's lips should always be poppin', The mouth is a close second to the eyes when it comes to what I look at in other people. I think everyone should have a pretty white smile, and nothing compliments your pearly whites like some glossy pink lips.

3) TRESemmé Heat Protectant

No one likes split ends and I Chi everyday so this is a good, cost effective way to keep the damage down. Plus, I think it's just as good as the salon cost at a quarter of the price.

4) Mary Kay Yellow Eye Concealer

I've used this concealer for years and refuse to change. It has more pigment than any other concealer I have without feeling cakey.

5) Smoother skin? Petroleum Jelly.

For years mom has covered her face in Vaseline after showering, and places a steamed towel for a few minutes before washing and moisturizing. She has great skin and is complimented on it constantly. I also apply Vaseline to my hands, feet, elbows, and knees nightly to keep them nice and soft.

6) Smashbox Photo Finish Primer

Is it worth the buy? I think so. It makes my foundation easier to spread and my makeup stays considerably fresh, even at the end of the day.

7) TRESemmé Dry Shampoo

This is a fairly new product that I LOVE! It's not good to wash your hair everyday as you strip your hair of natural oils that help moisturize those precious strands but sometimes my hair feels not so fresh the next day. I use to wash every other day and my hair would feel great but I have serious hormonal issues that took me from normal hair, to dandruff head and now I'm at this weird in between stage that isn't oily, but difficult to style on day two. This is a great way to make it manageable without drying out your do.

So there you go, a few of my beauty gems. Please share any of yours :)

I miss...

Staying up past 1 a.m. and being able to fully function the next day - heck, I miss just staying up past 1 a.m.

Having a flat tummy without having to lay on my back

Having less responsibilities and a job whose biggest requirement was me standing at a register

Having 24 hour access to a girlfriend for a late night conversation

The freedom to just get up and go

Being an extra small top at Express and a size double zero in jeans

What I don't miss...

The insecurity that came with me being single or in an unfulfilled relationship

Shopping in juniors or kids where the quality if clothing just plain sucked

Not having curves

Working for an hourly wage just making some CEO richer

What I love...

Having responsibilities that enrich the lives of others and myself

That I don't look older than 25

Having a house without loud people next to, below or under me

Having a reason to go to bed early :)



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

College. Oh. Boy.

So yesterday I had the pleasure of hanging out with a couple of the best friends a gal like me can have. Although we only live an hour apart, we don't all see each other as much as we should. We were college roommates and now we are all at different phases in our lives, married with children, married with no children, and single. It doesn't matter how long it's been, when we're back together the memory train comes into town.

I love reminiscing.

I love memories and I love retelling the stories and listening to other retell their versions of them. About two years ago I was back in my college town (also my hometown) and snapped some photos of some memorable "landmarks" from my college days that will coincide perfectly with the ride down college memory lane...let me share a few with you - well - just the ones that wouldn't make our families cringe too much...

1) Ah. Where most of the memories were held, our place on Musken Road.

This house was witness to a lot of laughs, singing, music, odd eating (say plantains and raw spaghetti), an on again off again friendship/romance with the neighbor boys, a snowball fight with those boys which resulted in one of us getting belted in the face, a couple of ridiculously crazy parties that were miraculously never interrupted by the police, lots of crying, lots of drama, the house smelling like a toilet at certain parts of the day, my parents bringing us groceries, getting caught next door when I was supposed to be at home (oops! Sorry Caroline, you tried to protect me), McMurry football player visits, a couple of ACU baseball players, and a few HSU soccer player visits (we were equal opportunity), running into the glass slide doors, having a landline phone that actually rang, having a 200lb television 5 feet in the air, scaring the crap out of my roommates, taking pictures of drunk Jen and still holding them over her head as blackmail, one of us kissing a gross boy at the McM bonfire (not naming names), staying up in each others rooms just talking and laughing.

2) Nathan, Josh, Ryan (and sometimes) Andy's place

This was my second home junior year. There was a party every weekend, but of course I didn't need a party to hang out there. These guys were like serious brothers to me and some of my best memories stem from here like, listening to Nathan play his guitar, getting grossed out at Josh dipping, Andy sounding like a pothead ALL the freakin' time, Ryan doing the "dance of the pool boy" to Pink Floyd's Another Brink In The Wall, theme nights (Big Lebowski Drunk Bowling Nights, French Nights, Camp Pal's) sitting on the roof until 4 a.m.

3)  Matt, Brandon, (and sometimes) Andy's

WHERE exactly did Andy actually live?

Another common hangout, usually with Caroline. The carport was screened in and I think I have to say this house out of all of the houses was probably the most filthy. Most of the memories generated at this place are mostly blurry now but I remember always sitting outside, listening to music, trying to decipher what these guys were talking about as they were always in an altered state of mind, talking to the old guy that lived in the pink house next door, and one of the other roommates I didn't know too well always getting upset because he was trying to become a cop and most of what took place here was illegal.

4) The Taint. (or, Luke, Brian, Melvin, George, (and at one time) Hance's place

After the guys in the aforementioned houses began to graduate (they were older than me) then many gatherings occurred here. Again, there was usually something every weekend, and although I wasn't as close to these guys, it was still a place I remember frequenting during my last days in college. Most of the shenanigans occurred in the garage, or Taint, as it was called. Best memory was the music room, listening to some early recordings of Micah P. Hinson from Luke's computer, playing a socially awkward game of truth or dare in Brian's room where subsequently many of us just ended up falling asleep in his room, a little bit of nakedness, and mangina.

5) Jeremy, Roy, and Dwayne's aka Sodom and Gomorrah

Sigh.

What to say? Fun place to go, a few parties, ugly twins (Roy!), and drunkedness.


6) The best part, us.

Jen: musical muse, never judging, always humming or singing, incredible Ms Crabtree impersonation, an even better Mystical impersonation (DANGUH!)

Christina: the sweetest one, always concerned, rarely rude or moody, the responsible one, and now a pretty awesome mommy to two precious boys

Kimberly: so beautiful yet has no idea, trusting, good girl with a wild streak, our unofficial fourth roommate

And Me: a hot mess, loud, social, and to this day loving these girls like sisters, even if I made myself the black sheep

In hindsight I'm not sure how I even survived those four years with some of the ridiculousness that occurred. All I know is although I don't talk about all of it, I don't regret any of it. College is more about experience than the piece of paper you get when you're done. Lucky for me, I got the piece of paper, the experience, and all of the memories that goes along with it.

Forget The Election - Cinnabon is in Control

Seriously, I had my first Cinnabon about two years ago and was a changed woman. How could we ever say we truly had any sort of pastry BEFORE Cinnabon? Then, a Cinnabon was a special treat, only eaten on the rare occasions we would happen to be in a mall with a Cinnabon, but recently it seems Cinnabon is runnin' a muck on society.

Yes ladies and gentleman, forget the democrats and republicans (who ELSE was sick of the excessive whoring of the voting issue on Facebook?) forget liberals and conservative, no more bloods and crips (or Latin Kings, holla!) We have a new competitor that has already won our hearts, and now our homes.

Cinnabon is everywhere.

It's no longer a special treat - Cinnabon has taken itself to a completely different level. Before I thought "huh, Cinnabon cereal? Cool." or "Whoa! Cinnabon at Scholtzsky's?? Awesome!" But now an excessive amount of products are out there with the Cinnabon name.

Somebody's getting rich.

Peep this.

And these are just the products that came up on the first two pages of Google Images when "Cinnabon" is searched. There were a few more I didn't even bother to snatch. So it made me wonder, something this good, can't be that good for you, right?

(This is where you secretly hope I'm about to tell you they are actually very nutritional and full of ooey-gooey greatness where no guilt is necessary, well, keep hopin')

A Classic Cinnabon has:

813 Calories which could be traded for: over 8 medium sized apples, over 6 servings of Baked Cheetos, or almost 4 full size Hershey bars!

32 gram of fat which could be substituted for: 2 Chik-fil-A chicken sandwiches, 16 slices of bacon (assuming it's not ALL fat), or get this, 45 BANANAS!

801 mg of sodium OR: 72 Bud Lights, 5 tomatos, or 20 pretzels.

They should call them SINabons.

After looking this information up I want to run about 100 laps around my bed before I lie in it, but the truth is - I'm probably going to wake up and finish the leftover SINabon I purchased tonight. I only ate about 20 grams of it's fatty deliciousness so I have about 13 more grams to go.

I'll make sure and blog about the process of me no longer fitting into my "thick" clothes anymore later...

Funny how they turned "chubby" into "thick" and it's supposed to be all good...

30 Days // FAIL!

I quit. I can't do it, no, I CAN do it, I just choose not to. I'm already late on two and yeah, I'm over it. It didn't feel natural anyway. This blog was strictly to put off paying a therapist and to use when necessary. Showing you a picture of what's in my purse...not so much.

So this weekend I was back home for one night and it was actually the best trip I've taken back home in a long time. I think the short time there kept it from being stress free. I had to pack less, I was less obligated to do things/be places and I got to see almost all of our immediate families in less than 24 hours. Short timing, but just short enough to prevent anyone from dying.

So I return back home with plans to go to a friend's 30th birthday party. Not exactly what I was up to - I'm not much for getting out of the house lately. I'm still working through some issues that I thought would be a bit more tolerable now but sometimes it really gets to me. Sometimes I wake up and feel great, then it'll hit me that I should be this many months pregnant - or I just think about how different things would be had I never lost my baby.

Needless to say, I'm not in a festive mood, and I wasn't really feeling a party. I got on board and went, not just because I need to get out and not be such down but because my poor, sweet, supportive husband has been by my side this whole time with me. I knew he needed out, so we went and it was a good thing we did because there wasn't a dull moment. We saw old and a few new friends and spent the night conversing, laughing and making fun of the women in some ridiculous "oh she should NOT wear THAT" outfits. Towards the end of the night, just when it couldn't be anymore entertaining, it did. I had already forgotten that there would be some live music at this venue so imagine my excitement when this guy walked onto stage...

Yes. Vanilla Ice.

Did you have any idea he still performed? WITH new music? I didn't, and I didn't care, I just wanted to hear that infamous song. It's funny how so many of us, including myself make fun of the 'ol guy and rightly so. He made a complete jerk of himself on The Surreal Life and let's face it, he was a one hit wonder, but when I heard the intro to Ice Ice Baby - I can't explain how it felt. It was funny and exciting at the same time. I just remember watching the video when I was in 5th or 6th grade thinking he was so freakin' cool and how I wanted to dance like him. That was 20 years ago and it was nice to share that moment with my husband and good friends. I'm totally not saying Vanilla Ice makes me forget where I am in life right now, but the moment definitely made me smile.