I've been consumed.

I really didn't want this to be about mommy-hood.

Really.

I've maintained the mommy blog but the problem with most mommy blogs, they're not used to express much of anything about the mommy person writing it. Which is okay. Almost. One could say it's just symbolic of how it's all about the kids for them, but as a member of the blogger world for some years now I see it as an invitation to lose oneself.

I don't want to lose myself.

I think I'm going into this phase of my life wiser then most.. Not trying to sound all self righteous but I've seen a lot of people lose them themselves into parent hood and feel like I'm going in better prepared. I don't want that. I want to be me, and a mommy.

There are a lot of things running in my head right now, I'm consumed with thought. Perhaps it's because it's past 3 a.m., I'm on the couch while the swing rocks a not so well Lola, left with just me, my thoughts, and some YouTube videos to keep me company. Here's what I'm feeling...

1) I'm proud I've been able to keep it together. This transition has been challenging but I think I'm faring well, in fact I know I'm kicking butt at it and that's an awesome feeling.

2) I need to get out, if just for a night. I need to let my hair down, listen to some music, and sway to the rhythm to a good bass line.

3) I need to finish these thank you notes.

4) I miss some important people in my life. It seems lately many are making a reappearance in my life, but perhaps not at the capacity I would prefer.

5 I'm not sure why I want these people in my life. There's a reason they disappeared.

6) I"m overwhelmed with thanksgiving. Sometimes I just cry at the thought of feeling this happy.

7) I get scared to death the birthfather will come around before this adoption is final. My thoughts literally haunt me when I think this isn't final yet.

8) I need/want a familiar hug.

9) How did I get so lucky with him? Women around me have men leaving them and mistreating them left and right and he stays around. Will he ever get fed up with me? Will I? You think it could never happen but I'm seeing it way too much. I hate to be naive, but I really think we're in for the long haul.

10) That also scares me.

Maybe not what you wanted to hear for my first blog in awhile but I'm sure there will be more. Things are too calm right now, I feel a bit of something else coming on.

Stay tuned.