Then There Was Two (In One)

There's something wrong with me.

I feel like two different people sometimes.

I feel like my two selves are two, separate, alter egos. I don't have one self, with a smaller self that comes out occasionally - I feel like two different people.

My two very different blogs can probably attest to that.

In one blog, I see my life for what it truly is, happy. I live in the silver lining, and it's where I never stop counting my never ending blessings. It's where I'm okay with having two children instead of three and where I am in a positive place.

Here, well, I come here to be honest on a different level. My other self comes out. This is where I express those dark things most won't say out loud because they'll sound selfish or whiny. This is where I can say that I love my girls and would most certainly die without them but I am emotionally ravaged because today was supposed to be my due date.

People that tell me to move past it, or focus on what I have been given don't understand (therefore should shut up), because it still hurts. It's a very real pain that has not gone away.

My girls sometimes intensify this emotion only because I'm in love with them so much I long to touch the child I never knew.

My heart breaks when I think of how he felt when his soul was called into heaven before meeting me. I wonder what I was doing the moment his heart stopped beating. Was I yelling at a student? Was I naively scribbling down baby names? was I dreaming of him?

It's very difficult for me today.

I desperately want to stay in the silver, and live in the positive, spiritually upbeat way of life - but I think God made us more complex than that. Well, he certainly made me that way.

I cried and yelled over something silly today, I've been doing that a lot lately. I can honestly say now, without feeling ashamed or bad, that yes, I do need a break.

This all makes me feel all kinds of guilty.

Not only do I long for a child I never knew when I have two angels in the next room, but on top of that I need just an evening of me.

I know I'm not being selfish, and I do deserve this but remember, I'm complex.

I'm not bipolar, I don't have dual personality disorder, and I certainly do not feel depressed. In fact, I'm happy with my life, today was just a bad day.

I'm glad I have my refuge here when I'm just not feeling like rainbows, cupcakes and puppy dog tails.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Why I Love Frida

These snow/ice days have me swooning, really. I have time to work on things in the house, watch some Dexter, and paint. Money is still an adjustment so splurging on nursery things just isn't something I feel comfortable doing so instead I pulled my creative juices together and began to get to work. You can see the full extent of it all here.
One of the projects was to make some personalized baby Fridas. I love Frida Kahlo and could spend many a blog hour writing about her and how she inspires me. 
What I love about Frida...
I love her style.
Her colors, the accessories, her tradition. She was elegant, a trendsetter, and she did it with age old fashion.

I love her art.

I love how raw it is. I love the emotion behind it. I love the stories it spoke. I love that she never held back.

I love her love.

I love how she wore her heart on her sleeve. There were no limits to her love. She was passionate. She was rebellious. She lived in the moment. She was the lover of many and held no regrets. 

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I want my daughters to be influenced by powerful women as well. I want them to read and learn about these women and find a desire within themselves to be leaders too. I hope one day they see me as one of those leaders and aspires to be like me. I want to be that mom, the one that does it all (and looks good doing it haha..)

little by little...

...they'll come to learn the things I've learned...

...about life, love, and passion...

...maybe they'll be little artistas as well...

I'll just be happy as long as they love...

Ah. These snow days have me spoiled. Sleep, art, and insight. Bring on the snow.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I've been consumed.

I really didn't want this to be about mommy-hood.

Really.

I've maintained the mommy blog but the problem with most mommy blogs, they're not used to express much of anything about the mommy person writing it. Which is okay. Almost. One could say it's just symbolic of how it's all about the kids for them, but as a member of the blogger world for some years now I see it as an invitation to lose oneself.

I don't want to lose myself.

I think I'm going into this phase of my life wiser then most.. Not trying to sound all self righteous but I've seen a lot of people lose them themselves into parent hood and feel like I'm going in better prepared. I don't want that. I want to be me, and a mommy.

There are a lot of things running in my head right now, I'm consumed with thought. Perhaps it's because it's past 3 a.m., I'm on the couch while the swing rocks a not so well Lola, left with just me, my thoughts, and some YouTube videos to keep me company. Here's what I'm feeling...

1) I'm proud I've been able to keep it together. This transition has been challenging but I think I'm faring well, in fact I know I'm kicking butt at it and that's an awesome feeling.

2) I need to get out, if just for a night. I need to let my hair down, listen to some music, and sway to the rhythm to a good bass line.

3) I need to finish these thank you notes.

4) I miss some important people in my life. It seems lately many are making a reappearance in my life, but perhaps not at the capacity I would prefer.

5 I'm not sure why I want these people in my life. There's a reason they disappeared.

6) I"m overwhelmed with thanksgiving. Sometimes I just cry at the thought of feeling this happy.

7) I get scared to death the birthfather will come around before this adoption is final. My thoughts literally haunt me when I think this isn't final yet.

8) I need/want a familiar hug.

9) How did I get so lucky with him? Women around me have men leaving them and mistreating them left and right and he stays around. Will he ever get fed up with me? Will I? You think it could never happen but I'm seeing it way too much. I hate to be naive, but I really think we're in for the long haul.

10) That also scares me.

Maybe not what you wanted to hear for my first blog in awhile but I'm sure there will be more. Things are too calm right now, I feel a bit of something else coming on.

Stay tuned.